


Honestly

by artikgato



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Depression, I'm not kidding, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt, This One Is Dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 19:22:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21059273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artikgato/pseuds/artikgato
Summary: The red and black sky of the Midnight Channel was supposed to be the last thing he ever saw.It wasn’t.He didn’t know if he wanted to be relieved or angry when he opened his eyes to the harsh, bright artificial light of a hospital room. He wanted to scream until his throat went raw when he saw who was sitting at his bedside, slumped over onto his bed and fast asleep.It was Souji, of course.





	Honestly

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please please take those depression and suicide attempt tags seriously - this is a really dark fic, folks! And it doesn't have a happy ending, either (well, it doesn't have a bad ending, either. Honestly it doesn't so much end as I stopped typing and couldn't figure out how to finish.) 
> 
> Like so many of us in this fandom, and like I've done several times before, this is mostly just a vent fic in which I loosely project my own issues onto Yosuke, changing them just slightly enough so that I feel like the fic has an actual point, but make no mistake, this is just my own misguided attempt to abate the deep-seated need I feel to burden other people with the knowledge that I am depressed and have been battling suicidal ideation for the better part of ten years now. 
> 
> Also, yes I am aware that Practice Makes Perfect and A Helping Hand are gone from AO3. They were flagged for abuse of the TOS and subsequently hidden. I have combed every word of every chapter of both of those fics and have removed every word that even remotely hints at other sites where my works can be found, so hopefully they'll be restored... but I also can't say that this didn't cause me a huge amount of undue stress and didn't contribute to a recent bout of crippling depression. And if they actually get deleted... well. I'm already finding it hard to write. That certainly won't help things.

“Have you been eating?” Souji asked, and Yosuke, desperate to do anything to get that disapproving look off of his Partner’s face, lied through his teeth.

“Haha, what? Of course I’ve been eating. Why do you ask?” 

Souji was still frowning, though, and Yosuke’s mind was churning as he tried to predict what his partner was going to say or do next, so he could come up with a suitable counter-argument. The one thing he absolutely couldn’t say was the truth, although it would have been much, much easier.

“Your kitchen is awfully bare,” Souji remarked, and Yosuke could tell that he was trying for a casual tone, but he still sounded...accusatory.

“Eheh, it’s just shopping day, that’s all. Oh, but don’t worry! I can totally still hang out! Just gotta remember to go by the store after we’re done studying,” he replied. Souji’s frown only got deeper.

“That’s what you told me  _ last _ time,” Souji pointed out, and Yosuke started to feel the pressure of the lie a little, but didn’t back down.

“I just like to get my food fresh, that’s all,” he said, with a grin. “I know, I know, I guess growing up practically living in a Junes spoiled me...I just hate it when food goes bad before I can use it, y’know? So if I buy everything fresh and cook it right away…” he trailed off, with a shrug.

He could tell that Souji probably didn’t buy it, but couldn’t think of a suitable counter-argument. He watched his partner sigh and shake his head.

“Well, I still want to study over at my place, if you don’t mind. I was planning on curry for dinner, and it’s gotta simmer for a while,” Souji finally said. Yosuke nodded, and went to grab his backpack. “You’re more than welcome to stay for dinner, of course.”

“Homemade curry? Count me in, bro,” Yosuke replied, with a little laugh. “Curry’s the one thing I can’t ever get right when I do it on my own...unless I use a box mix. And I’m too spoiled by  _ your _ cooking to want to do that.” He prodded Souji in the ribs with an elbow, smirking at him, until Souji finally gave in and laughed too. Souji stepped out, with Yosuke following behind him, turning and locking his little apartment behind him.

He was fine. He was totally fine. It was just a rough patch, that’s all. 

He couldn’t tell Souji that, though. If Souji found out that he was skipping meals to save money, he’d get angry. Or, worse - he’d start buying him groceries. And Souji didn’t need the extra burden of buying groceries for his dumbass best friend. Souji was saving money so that he could pay rent during an upcoming six month unpaid internship at a big company. 

Yosuke didn’t need his help, anyway. After he got his bills straightened out, he’d be back in the clear and could start buying food again. It was the only spot in his budget that he had any wiggle room, because it wasn’t like he could just stop paying rent or utilities. Well, he could probably walk to school and work instead of taking the subway, but he’d calculated it out and that wouldn’t save him that much money in the short term, and both his work and school were  _ miles _ away. And he didn’t even have a bike, he hadn’t wanted the extra hassle of bringing along his deathtrap of a bike from Inaba, and he hadn’t thought to buy one here in the city...and, well, now he couldn’t. 

He’d put on a little weight since entering college, anyway, so he could probably stand to lose some. That freshman fifteen was no joke! Of course he knew the best way to lose weight would be to actually, you know... _ exercise _ , but this was a good enough alternative. Losing weight and saving money, killing two birds with one stone...it was just  _ practical _ . And what did it matter if he skipped meals now, anyway? He accidentally skipped meals all the time back in high school, and he’d been fine back then. And that was back when they’d been going into the TV, to boot! If he could fight dangerous otherworldly monsters on an empty stomach, he could take notes and stock shelves on an empty stomach. 

He’d be fine. 

Honestly.

And soon enough he’d be done with school, and he’d have a shiny new degree and be able to get a full time job and never have to work at Junes again. And he’d be able to afford all of the food he wanted. And he’d treat Souji to  _ so many _ dinners to make up for all of the times he’d fed him already. Yeah. He just had to tough it out for another couple of weeks, and then it’d be smooth sailing from there. (Never mind the fact that he had no plan in place for the  _ next _ time an unexpected bill popped up. Or the time after that.)

* * *

“You don’t have anything in savings?” Souji asked, incredulously, and Yosuke felt himself shrink under his scrutiny. So he did what he always did in these situations, whether or not it was the best thing to do (it almost always wasn’t): he got defensive.

“Hey, hey, I’ve got like 500 yen in there! That’s not nothing!” he replied, with a frown. 

“You know what I meant,” Souji sounded exasperated. Like he always did, whenever Yosuke gave him any sort of insight into his disastrous financial situation - and he  _ never _ meant to, but it would just kind of come up, sometimes.

“I’m not surprised  _ you _ do, mister responsibility, but I just don’t see how I’m supposed to even be  _ able _ to put anything in savings,” Yosuke answered, trying to sound as high-and-mighty as possible. He’d cling to this irritation, this anger, even if it was irrational, because it was the only thing keeping him from just breaking down, like he  _ always _ did about money. “I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck since...fuck, I don’t even know. I mean, I guess I could have been a little more responsible with money back in  _ high school _ but I was a dumbass teenager! And between Chie and Teddie and my stupid bike always breaking, I didn’t really have a say in how I spent my money anyway!”

“I’m not saying you should have been more responsible in  _ high school _ , Yosuke, that was a long time ago. I’m just saying, even if it’s a little bit out of every check, you should really have some kind of savings!” Souji admonished. Yosuke had no choice. He had to get even more defensive.

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say! You actually went for a major that’s  _ practical _ unlike a certain dumbass that decided to follow their dreams, okay? It’s easy to save when you have a good job!” Yosuke barked. Souji started to say something, but he just continued, barrelling through anything Souji was going to contradict him with. “And I know,  _ I know _ I need a better job but, fuck, man, you think I haven’t been trying? It’s been  _ months _ since I’ve even gotten past the first interview! I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong, okay? I’ve had you and Naoto look over my resume a billion times, I went out and bought the nicest clothes I could afford…”

He sighed, letting his head droop a little as he realized that he had let himself get a little too worked up. He tried to steady his breathing, to keep the little pinpricks of tears out of the sides of his eyes, because he  _ hated _ crying in front of Souji. 

“Surely you must have  _ something _ left over from each check,” Souji said after a moment, his voice soft. Yosuke shook his head. “Even a couple hundred yen. Even just a hundred yen! It’s something! You’d be surprised how quickly it can add up when you-”

“So, what, you expect me to go back to skipping meals again, just to have a little savings?” Yosuke snarled, finally looking back up and seeing his best friend’s face go from stern to guilty to angry so quickly that it almost gave him whiplash.

“Of course not-”

“Then what the hell am I supposed to  _ do _ , Souji?!”

Souji closed his mouth on a reply, bit his lip, and then finally shook his head and stood up.

“If you’re going to be like this, I can’t continue this conversation,” he finally explained, walking past where Yosuke was sitting and making his way over towards the door. The door of Yosuke’s cheap, shitty little apartment with old, terrible furniture and barely any furnishings and almost nothing in the cabinets. It was a fucking wonder that Souji still visited him here - if he were in Souji’s shoes,  _ he _ certainly wouldn’t. 

“That’s fair,” Yosuke managed to choke out, lowering his gaze to the floor and not looking up. He heard Souji give a little nearly inaudible sigh.

“I’ll see you on Saturday for dinner, okay?” he asked, and Yosuke just nodded.

“Sure,” he replied, still not looking up. He held his breath and waited for the sound of Souji’s footsteps to fade, for the distant ding of the elevator, before he actually let himself break down.

He knew he was being an idiot. He was being a stupid, selfish, bratty person, and his dumbass decisions were starting to even bleed into his friendships. Fuck. Why was he such an asshole? 

He’d stopped dyeing his hair a long time ago to save money. He’d stopped buying the “nice” hair products to save money. He only bought the cheapest possible clothes and shoes (and yet still had the gall to complain when they got holes in them after a few months). He did buy food, of course, and he was the first to admit that he probably didn’t need to buy  _ some _ of the food he did, but…

He was really trying. It wasn’t like he was going out for dinner and drinks every week, or buying expensive concert tickets, or buying video games. He was really fucking trying. Things were just...hard.

Honestly.

* * *

_ To whom it may concern- _

No, no, that was too impersonal.

_ To whoever finds this note _

That wasn’t quite right either.

_ To the person reading this, _

Hmm, maybe he didn’t need to make this like a normal letter?

_ I’m sorry.  _

That’s better. Yosuke had never really been a writer, but he could tell he was getting somewhere now.

_ I’m sorry. I know this may come as a shock to most people, because I never really let anyone see any side of me that wasn’t the cheerful, happy-go-lucky version of myself, or the idiot that constantly put his foot in his mouth. But underneath all of that was just a gigantic dumbass. An idiot that thought that if he pursued his dreams, everything would work out.  _

_ If you’re reading this, know that this absolutely wasn’t your fault. There isn’t anything that anyone could have done to help me. Writing this, I can say for certain that I have no hope for the future. I just hope that I’m not too much of a burden on anyone with what I’ve done. Move on and forget about me, and don’t dwell on what happened to me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anyone’s pity or tears. Through and through, I’m an idiot and there was never any hope for me. I’m just doing everyone a favor, by cutting loose the weight that’s been dragging them down. This is nobody’s fault but my own. _

He hit ‘save’ on the document, only to realize that he had no real way of printing it out. He didn’t own a printer. He’d have to go out and get this printed if he really wanted to have a note around for...after. 

For some reason, the idea that he’d have to leave his apartment and go spend money to print out his  _ suicide note _ made him stop and think about his situation. And how bad it actually was. And how stupid he was being.

He didn’t delete the document, but he did close the writing program on his computer, and he did move the file to an often unused folder within a folder on his desktop.

Honestly, that wasn’t how he really felt about things anyway. He didn’t want to die - by suicide or otherwise - he just didn’t want to exist any more.

* * *

“Yosuke! Finally! Where  _ are  _ you?!” 

Honestly, Yosuke hadn’t been expecting to hear Souji sounding so panicked. Angry, maybe, or disappointed, but not  _ panicked _ . 

“Inaba,” he answered, keeping his voice as level as possible.

“Inaba,” he heard Souji say on the other side of the phone, with an exhale. “Okay. Fine. Why are you in Inaba? And why didn’t you tell me? And why didn’t you pick up the first, oh, I don’t know, seventeen times I called you?”

“I moved back in my with parents,” Yosuke said, completely avoiding answering any of Souji’s questions. “I had to. The lease was up on my apartment in the city and they spiked the rent on me when I tried to extend it again.”

“Okay, but why didn’t you  _ say anything _ ? To  _ anyone _ ? Yosuke, I’ve been worried sick! I went to your apartment four days ago and you weren’t there, and your neighbors didn’t have any idea where you went, just that you were gone! And then you didn’t pick up-”

“Dad’s thrilled to have me back,” he continued. “Now that I’m back in Inaba, he’ll have someone to hand the store off to when he retires in a few years. That’s great, right? Just what I deserve. I shouldn’t have ever gone to the city for college.”

“Partner…”

“So, I guess I won’t be over for dinner once a week. Or ever again. You’ll have to find someone else to eat with you. I’m sure it’ll be easy though, you’ve probably got girls just lined up wanting to be your dinner dates. Don’t let me hold you back any more than I already have.”

“Yosuke!”

Heedless of Souji’s protests, Yosuke just continued in his careful monotone, willing himself not to get emotional. He’d ignored Souji’s calls until now because he hadn’t thought he could really do this, but enough was enough.

“I’ll see you during holidays, I guess. Take care, Souji. This is goodbye.”

“Wait!”

He didn’t wait for Souji’s response. He just ended the call and slid his phone back into his jacket pocket. 

It was a little cold, not unexpected for October. He sighed and turned his face up to the sky, looking at the little clouds that were drifting by. He needed to sit down. 

It seemed that he’d wandered pretty far away from Junes on his phone call - he’d ended up at the shrine. He shook his head and walked inside, looking around for a bench to sit down on. 

“Whoa, Yosuke-senpai, is that you?” a gruff, familiar voice asked from behind him. He cringed, and thought about just ignoring Kanji and going deeper into the shrine. He really didn’t want to be called a loser again. But he did eventually turn around, after plastering what he hoped was a carefree smile on his face.

“Hey, long time no see, Kanji,” he greeted, unable to muster the energy to make it one of his usual greetings. Sure enough, the tall, muscular form of Kanji Tatsumi was standing there in the shrine entrance, looking baffled...but like he was actually happy to see him. Yeah right. 

“Dude, I almost didn’t recognize you with your hair like that. Stopped dyeing it, huh?” Kanji asked, stepping closer to him. Yosuke gave a little snort in response.

“Like you’re one to talk,” he pointed out, and Kanji rolled his eyes.

“I haven’t dyed my hair since high school,” he replied. What he didn’t point out was the fact that Yosuke hadn’t been to Inaba in nearly three years now, so nobody from the old Investigation Team aside from Souji and occasionally Naoto had even seen him in that time frame. Of course Kanji didn’t recognize him - the last time he’d really been around, he’d still had his old hairstyle.

Time had been kind to Kanji, though. He’d gone from a tall, intimidating delinquent in high school to a tall, somewhat-less intimidating man. Kanji’s hair was starkly different now, jet black as opposed to his bleached blonde, and instead of being slicked back he wore it short, with bangs covering what Yosuke knew to be a small scar over one of his eyebrows. He could still pull off intimidating if he wanted to, but the glasses and apron really helped sell this new look he was going for. Yosuke had heard he’d fully taken over the textile shop from his mother, so a ‘rebranding’ of sorts like this really suited him.

Yosuke, in comparison, had only gotten skinny, reedy even, in the years between high school and now, a direct consequence of his poor diet he supposed. He’d stopped dyeing his hair, so it’d gone back to its original, boring dark brown color. He’d stopped styling it, too. He hadn’t had the money for a haircut in a long time, or the guts to try cutting his own hair, so he’d just started pulling it back into a lazy ponytail, which he was sure looked absolutely awful. He’d also started having to wear glasses, because his eyesight had gone downhill pretty quickly after college. He’d been wearing contacts at first, but those were expensive to maintain, and glasses were cheap, provided he could keep from dropping them all over the place. (He couldn’t. His glasses were scratched up to all hell, and the color on the rims was rubbing off in places.) He wasn’t sure what kind of image he was projecting, but he probably wouldn’t like it. At best it was ‘lazy thirty something with no future’, and at worst...he didn’t want to think about it. Flashes of a certain murderer that had been in jail for years and years came to mind. His stomach rolled a little.

“So what are you doing here? Not that I’m not glad to see you, man,” Kanji asked, having walked over to stand next to Yosuke, who was pointedly looking at the bricks they were standing on.

“Things didn’t work out in the city,” Yosuke sighed out, “So I moved back here. I’ll be with my parents for a while until I can afford my own place again, I guess.”

“That blows,” Kanji said in response. “Well, I’m glad to have you back, senpai,” Kanji said, shoving his hands into the pockets on the sides of his apron. Yosuke couldn’t help notice that he put a little bit of emphasis into the ‘senpai’, as if he was trying to point out that at least somebody still had a little, tiny bit of respect for him. “I love Inaba, but it’s sure boring here, y’know?”

“And, what, you think having a washed up city boy here is going to make it less boring?” Yosuke asked. Kanji shrugged.

“Hey, it worked back in high school, didn’t it? And it’ll be a change of pace. I get to add you to the rotation of dinner guests,” he said. Yosuke laughed in disbelief.

“Oh yeah?” he asked, and Kanji nodded.

“Inaba’s real small, but everybody’s so busy that the only way any of us see each-other is if we meet for dinner. And, well, Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai still can’t cook. Like...at all. They stopped trying. We just go eat the Inn’s cooking when it’s their turn,” Kanji reported, and Yosuke chuckled. “And Ted can’t cook to save his own life...good baker though.”

“Yeah, he surprised me a few years ago during Christmas by baking a cake that was really good. Who knew, right?” Yosuke replied.

“Yeah, so, more often n’ not, everyone’s over at my place. I still can’t hold a candle to Souji-senpai’s cooking, but I think I do alright,” Kanji explained. 

“I got pretty decent at cooking back in the city,” Yosuke said. “I’m no Souji either, but I might surprise you. Well, once I get my own place, anyway. Back in high school I burned a frozen pizza so badly that we had to replace the oven, so...Mom won’t even consider letting me in the kitchen nowadays.”

“Wow,” Kanji said, devolving into laughter. “That’s terrible.”

“It really is,” Yosuke replied, laughing as well. 

It felt good to laugh. Honestly.

* * *

There was, of course, nowhere to live in Inaba. New houses weren’t being built, because the town wasn’t exactly growing...and old houses weren’t becoming vacant, either, because nobody moved and everybody just inherited houses from their folks. So Yosuke had to seek housing in Okina City instead, which honestly suited him just fine. Okina was just big enough that he didn’t feel stifled, but just familiar enough that he didn’t get anxious about not knowing where anything was. He’d moved out at the first opportunity he’d gotten - he loved his parents, but after only a few months of living in his old room in his old house, he’d gotten sick of it.

The commute wasn’t too bad, either. Back in high school, the train ride between Inaba and Okina City had felt like forever, but after his time in the city and the frankly ridiculous commutes he’d been subjected to there, this felt like a cakewalk.

He was looking for jobs in Okina, though. Working at the Inaba Junes felt like easy, mindless work, but he hated himself a little for it every time he clocked in. In over ten years, he hadn’t managed to be any better than he was in high school? That was a thought on constant loop in his head. 

The problem was, of course, that there just wasn’t anything in Okina. There were retail jobs, and there were high level banking jobs that were too far outside of Yosuke’s ability to even apply for, and...that was it. Certainly nothing that would utilize his basically useless degree in music composition. It didn’t help that he had no idea what he wanted to do with himself any more. He didn’t even know what jobs to look for.

He felt stuck. He felt stuck in a way that made him feel just as stifled as he had been back in Tokyo. He had dinner with what was left of the old Investigation Team, and occasionally he got to eat Nanako-chan’s absolutely stellar cooking too, but aside from that he didn’t really...do much. And at least in the City he’d been able to eat with Souji at least once a week. He hadn’t talked to Souji since that one phone call back in October. It sucked. Yosuke didn’t want to hear how disappointed Souji was, so he’d kept ignoring the calls, and the texts. And then they’d just dried up, eventually. And, well, if he was too busy with work to see Souji when he visited for Christmas, he couldn’t help it, right? (He thought, pretty often, about how disappointed Nanako-chan had sounded when he’d turned her down for the Christmas party. He thought about how mad Chie had been when she’d found out that he’d avoided Souji the entire time he’d been in town.)

Where did he go from here? Did he go back to school for something more practical? Did he apply for every job he could find in the hopes that he’d find one he actually liked? He missed Tokyo, dearly, but he’d failed to live there once, so going back would be stupid, right? So was it his destiny to just live out his days here in Okina, working the same job he’d had in high school? Sleeping on a cheap, uncomfortable futon in a barely furnished apartment? At least he could cook for himself now, but he rarely had the energy to make anything more than just...passable.

He thought about the day he’d typed up that suicide note. A lot. Maybe he should have just put on pants and gone out and gotten it printed, anyway. Better to die on his own terms than live this poor excuse of a life, right?

* * *

The problem with hanging out with any of his friends in Inaba was that they all had their shit together. It was impossible not to compare himself to Kanji, who had made such a name for himself in the textile industry that he’d had to expand his little shop to nearly double the size. Had he always wanted to take over the shop? Or had he done it because that was just what you did when you lived in Inaba? When he finally got the guts to ask, Kanji had just shrugged and said he’d never really had any ambitions, in high school or otherwise, so taking over the shop had made sense. He liked the work, and he was obviously good at it, so why fret about it? 

He’d tried to go to work for a solid week with that same sort of attitude - he didn’t have any idea what he  _ actually _ wanted to do with his life, right? And it wasn’t like Junes was going anywhere. Honestly, what was his dad going to do if he  _ didn’t _ take over as manager?

But he hated it. He hated the work, he hated the idea of being stuck here forever. No matter how often he had to remind himself that there wasn’t anywhere else to go or anything else to do, it never really got easier. He couldn’t change the fact that he hated it. He couldn’t get over the idea that he wasn’t any better than he had been in high school. Ten years of college and working hard and skipping meals had all ended in failure, and it was hard to stomach.

He didn’t hang out with Chie at all, outside of the group. She didn’t understand him at all, and got even more irritated with him than she had back in high school. He knew, or at least other people told him, that she was only concerned about him and didn’t mean most of what she said, but...it was hard to be around her. And by extension, it was hard to be around Yukiko - they were even more inseparable now than they had been in high school.

He was actually very relieved that Naoto and Rise - and Souji - all had nice, successful careers that mostly kept them away from Inaba, because he honestly didn’t think he could stomach being around them, too. He hadn’t seen or talked to Souji in nearly a year, but he heard second-hand that his former best friend was doing quite well in the city without him. It really  _ did _ seem like Yosuke had been holding him back, didn’t it? And Rise had moved on from being an idol to being a very popular actress. Naoto still held the ‘detective prince’ moniker, and had been solving case after case in Tokyo. He felt proud of all of them, but at the same time...it really seemed like he was the only one that wasn’t doing well.

Even Teddie was doing better than him. Honestly, Teddie was the one that should be in line to inherit the Junes from his father, not Yosuke. Teddie had matured out of his silly and flirty personality - mostly - and was great with customer service, and had a really good work ethic. Yosuke had considered, more times than he could count, about telling his father to just hand Junes over to Teddie when he retired. It would be the best for everybody, honestly. Teddie even had the last name of ‘Hanamura’ now, thanks to some slightly illegal documents from Naoto, and his parents’ blessings. 

The only reason he hadn’t said anything - yet - was because Junes was, sadly, the one sure thing Yosuke had in his future right now. If he removed that, he would be totally lost. It was selfish, and he knew it, but he didn’t want to throw it away until he knew for sure he didn’t need it.

He thought about that suicide note he’d written, still saved on his computer somewhere. Maybe it would be for the best after all. 

* * *

The bars in Okina sucked.

The drinks were too expensive and were barely alcoholic, anyway. The crowd was also distinctly not Yosuke’s kind of scene at all. All of the girls were too young, barely drinking age it seemed like, and Yosuke felt like a total creep any time he even so much as looked at any of them. The guys were all his age or older and in the same boat as Yosuke himself, and they were very depressing to be around. 

Back in college he’d attributed his lack of romantic success to the fact that he was always around Souji, and of course everybody liked Souji - who  _ wouldn’t _ , right? They’d have to have been blind to pick someone like Yosuke over someone like Souji, honestly. The few dates he’d gotten had been blind dates, online hookups, and classmates that had never met Souji. None of them had lasted. At least none of them had tried to go after Souji after dumping him, but…

He didn’t even know where to go to meet single women that were  _ actually _ his age - and it wouldn’t have surprised him, in the least, to discover that there wasn’t any woman his age in the surrounding area that wasn’t already dating someone else. Someone better than him, probably. He didn’t have the heart or the motivation to look online, either. And he certainly didn’t have the courage to try his luck hooking up with a  _ guy _ , either, even though he was more than a little curious about how it would be. It was fine, because no matter what he was sure that he’d just compare the guy to Souji anyway, and that was the last thing he needed.

Speaking of Souji, despite the fact that he’d ignored all of his calls and texts for a solid year, Souji still tried to contact him at least once a month. Yosuke was impressed, and baffled, by his dedication. It probably said a lot about Yosuke himself that he hadn’t deleted Souji’s number yet, either. Or that his thumb hovered over the ‘return call’ button every time. But he couldn’t just call him up  _ now _ , right? Or answer his texts? It had been too long, it would be weird. And his life...sucked, anyway, so it wasn’t like Souji would want to hear about it. He didn’t want to tell him about it. Yosuke heard about Souji successes and general well-being from the others occasionally, so it wasn’t like he really  _ needed _ to hear it from the source, right?

* * *

He got a new job. It was just desk work at a law firm, but the pay was decent and the hours were good, and it was close to his apartment, so he would have been stupid not to take it. He kept his old job, too, just with reduced hours. To keep his Dad happy, he told himself. He knew that wasn’t the real truth, though. The real truth was that it kept him busy. It was all too easy to throw himself into work. Watching his bank accounts finally start to actually grow was addictive. The mindless repetition of filling out spreadsheets and answering phones, and then stocking shelves and mopping floors at night, grew kind of addictive. It had been exhausting, at first, and he’d thought about quitting Junes every single night. But then, after about a month, he’d gotten used to it. It became kind of a challenge, to see how far he could push himself, how many extra hours he could work, how many long nights he could have...

He stopped having dinner with Kanji, or going to the Inn to visit the girls, or going to Aiya’s to meet everyone. He just went to work, then went to his other job, and then went home and slept. On weekends he worked overtime at Junes. Work was all he did. It was easy to just let his brain turn off and forget about all of his problems for a while, in the face of dumb, easy, repetitive work. 

What was he going to do with that extra money? Who knew. Maybe he’d eventually be able to afford better furniture. Better clothing.

Better alcohol.

* * *

He was woken up by a loud knocking on his apartment door one Sunday morning. It was the first day he’d had off in what had to be  _ months _ . His father had  _ insisted _ on giving him the day off, in fact, citing the fact that he looked like he wasn’t getting much sleep. He was, in fact, actually getting  _ too much _ sleep - it made his brain get all hazy, and made it so much easier to ignore the bad, depressed thoughts - but his Dad didn’t need to know that. Even if he did, Yosuke doubted that he’d really care, beyond whether or not it was going to affect his work ethic.

Regardless, he’d been given the day off and had decided to drink a little more heavily than necessary the previous night, and then sleep the entire day away, but the person knocking at his door apparently had other ideas.

He had no idea who it could be. His parents would have called or texted him before visiting, same with Teddie - and he knew they were all busy with Junes today, anyway. It wasn’t like any of his friends from Inaba ever came to visit him either. He’d been irked by that at first, but just like every other hard truth in his shitty life, he’d just learned to accept it. He hadn’t ordered anything online, but maybe...

So, here he was in his old, worn-out pajamas, making his way through his shitty, under-furnished apartment to his door, utterly confused about who could  _ possibly  _ be knocking so insistently - surely a postman would have already left a package by now, if that was the case? Maybe it was a police officer? Who knew?

Just about the last person he would have ever expected to see on the other side of that door was Souji. So unexpected, in fact, that Yosuke’s sleep-riddled brain convinced him that he was seeing an illusion, and just shut the door in his face.

He didn’t lock the door, though, and a few moments later he saw the knob turn and the door creaked open just enough for Souji to stick his head in, hesitantly, and give him a look that was totally unreadable.

“Are you okay, Yosuke?” Souji asked, and Yosuke really hadn’t been expecting him to say that. He’d been expecting something like indignant rage, or indifference, not...not  _ concern _ . 

Maybe it was the hangover talking. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t seen Souji in well over a year and he’d spent that entire time trying in vain to pretend that there wasn’t a huge fucking hole in his life because of it. Maybe it was the depression that he’d been desperately keeping at bay with the excessive drinking and sleeping. 

“Of course I’m not okay,” he answered, his voice gruff from the fact that he was speaking around a stupid lump in his stupid throat.

Souji cautiously stepped inside and gently shut the door behind him, leaning against it. He was quiet for an unnervingly long amount of time, looking over at Yosuke with a calm, neutral face, waiting for him to talk about it. 

Yosuke just sighed and shook his head.

“Sorry you came all the way out here,” he finally said, turning away from Souji. “But I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Yosuke,” he said. He sounded worried, but his tone was commanding, close to the voice he’d used to issue orders in the TV world all those years ago. Yosuke ignored the warning in his voice.

“Sorry, man. It’s my day off. I’m going back to bed.” True to his word, he made his way through his apartment and back over to his futon, collapsing back down onto it with a huff. Souji followed him through the apartment.

“Everyone is worried about you, you know,” Souji said, in that same warning kind of voice. “They haven’t seen you outside of work in  _ months _ .”

“Yeah, well, new job’s eating up all my time,” Yosuke grumbled, turning away from Souji with a sigh and burying his face into his pillow. He heard Souji give an exasperated sigh.

“I...I don’t know what I did, and neither do they, but please, don’t shut us out, okay? Please, even if it’s not me, just let  _ somebody _ help,” Souji said, after a long pause. The strength in his voice was gone, and he sounded so vulnerable, so  _ unsure _ , that it almost made Yosuke want to roll over and look at him. 

Almost.

“You didn’t do anything,” Yosuke finally said, sounding utterly defeated. “None of you did. I just… None of you need such a miserable fuck-up in your lives. I’m just doing what’s best for you guys, you know?”

“Is that really why you didn’t answer any of my calls or texts?” Souji asked, sounding incredulous. “I...Yosuke, I could have helped! Why didn’t you-”

“I don’t  _ want _ your help!” Yosuke snapped, finally sitting up to glare over at him. “I don’t want  _ anyone’s _ help, okay?! I don’t  _ deserve _ it. I’m a miserable fucking failure of a human being and I don’t deserve anyone’s help, or kindness, or--or  _ pity _ .” 

He was somehow surprised when Souji’s arms wrapped around him and he was tugged against Souji’s chest in a hug that was almost painfully tight. 

“ _ Damn it _ , Yosuke,” Souji choked, and, huh, he actually sounded  _ hurt _ , like he was the one having the air squeezed out of his lungs and not the other way around. “I’m an  _ idiot _ , I’ve failed you as a friend, I--  _ god _ , I’m  _ so sorry _ -”

“Why the hell are  _ you _ apologizing?” Yosuke managed to wheeze out. “ _ I’m _ the failure of a human being, here, not  _ you _ .”

“I should have realized it sooner,” Souji continued, either not hearing or ignoring his protests. “I should have-- should have  _ done _ something, or  _ told _ someone…”

“Souji,” Yosuke managed to gasp, pushing futilely against his shoulders. Even now, after ignoring him for an entire year, it  _ still _ felt weird to use his name and not the word ‘partner’. It left a weird taste in his mouth. “You’re...crushing my lungs…” he finally rasped.

“S-sorry!” Souji stuttered, immediately drawing back and pushing Yosuke away from himself, not more than maybe a foot, though, as if he was concerned that Yosuke would make a break for it if he was any further away from Souji than that. Who knew, maybe he really  _ would _ make a break for it. It certainly sounded appealing.

Now that Souji had done that, though, it seemed like he was a loss for words. And Yosuke was equally so. What did you say to someone you’d been deliberately ignoring for an entire year, for...gods, too many reasons, really?

“Do you….want some coffee, or something?” Yosuke eventually asked, desperate for anything to fill the silence and make things less awkward. Souji shook his head.

“No, I...I want you talk to me,” he said, giving Yosuke a stern look. “Please. Tell me what’s wrong, let me  _ help _ .”

“Sorry,” Yosuke muttered in response. “But you can’t help.  _ No-one _ can help. Too much is wrong, and I don’t even know where to start  _ trying _ to fix any of it, so I’m just...not going to bother.”

“Not going to ‘bother’ with what?” Souji asked. Yosuke couldn’t look at him.

“Trying. I’ll just live out the rest of my shitty life in this shitty apartment with my shitty jobs, and I won’t be a burden on anybody, and you can all live your lives without having to worry about stupid Yosuke. What could you have done for me? Nothing, man. I was always a lost cause.”

“Don’t say that!” Souji barked, and Yosuke still couldn’t look at him. He didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face.

“Sorry you got stuck with a shitty best friend. Sorry for all the time of yours that I wasted,” he continued.

“Yosuke--”

“Just leave, man. Just forget about me. Move on with your life. Go be a hotshot doctor with a hot wife and a perfect life and leave me out of it, okay?” Yosuke said. He’d tried so hard, but couldn’t quite keep the quiver out of his voice as he said that. Even after a year of ignoring him, it hurt to say that, and he was sure it hurt Souji to hear it. But it was for the best. Souji didn’t need someone like him around, dragging him down and burdening him with all of his problems. He had a life to lead. 

They all did.

“It’s not worth it for you to waste your Sunday morning on me.”

Souji sat there in silence for a long, long time, Yosuke not looking at him. Finally, he heard him give a small, sad little sigh, and heard him stand up. His footsteps echoed a little hauntingly in Yosuke’s shitty, barely-furnished apartment. The door shutting behind him sounded so...final. He’d probably never see Souji again. He was supposed to be fine with that. He tried to convince himself that he was, anyway.

He really wasn’t.

* * *

He hadn’t been in the Midnight Channel in years. None of them had, really, as far as Yosuke knew. It hadn’t really changed much in that time - it was still empty and creepy and dim, and the fog was still there, and it was still somehow lit with a bright, garish yellow light. It was still silent aside from the constantly blowing wind.

“Took you long enough,” someone said, and even though Yosuke knew that this was what he wanted — needed — to do, it still made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He swallowed, but raised his eyes to meet the sinister, bright yellow eyes of his Shadow. 

It was funny...he would have expected to see his Shadow smirking at him, laughing at him, mocking him...but it wasn’t. It was looking at him with a sober, subdued expression. Those yellow eyes seemed to hold the pain, and doubt, and remorse that Yosuke couldn’t quite get himself to feel at the moment. All he really felt was...empty. Like  _ he _ was the Shadow.

“Will it hurt?” he found himself asking. The Shadow simply held out its hand toward him.

“Of course it will,” it replied, Yosuke’s own voice but horribly distorted. 

He hesitated. 

Even now, part of him still wanted to go back, to call up Souji or one of the others. But it was too late for that, now. Too late for  _ him _ . 

He took the Shadow’s hand.

* * *

The red and black sky of the Midnight Channel was supposed to be the last thing he ever saw.

It wasn’t.

He didn’t know if he wanted to be relieved or angry when he opened his eyes to the harsh, bright artificial light of a hospital room. He wanted to scream until his throat went raw when he saw who was sitting at his bedside, slumped over onto his bed and fast asleep.

It was Souji, of course. Who else would it have possibly been? Teddie, maybe, or his parents? But of course it wasn’t any of them. Of course it was the one person he didn’t want to be there. Souji looked  _ haggard _ , his skin pale and his clothes and hair dirty and mussed up, a far cry from his normally well-put-together appearance. 

He’d gone into the Midnight Channel after him. Probably fought his Shadow, too - it was the only logical explanation. 

He heard a noise like a door opening and looked up, to see Chie easing her way into the room, obviously trying to be as quiet as possible. She walked over and draped the blanket she was carrying across Souji’s shoulders. She looked tired, with obvious dark bags under her eyes and a pained expression on her face. Maybe she’d gone into the Midnight Channel too? Even if that was the case, somehow Yosuke doubted that it had been for his sake at all - Souji had probably called everyone that he could from the old Investigation Team to help. She’d probably only gone in to help  _ Souji _ .

At least, that’s what he thought until he saw Chie look up at him, her expression flickering from sad to startled, noticing that his eyes were open.

And then, her expression shifted to some bizarre cross between happy and sad. There were  _ tears _ , but she looked, for some reason, happy and  _ overjoyed _ to see him awake.

“Yosuke, you  _ idiot _ ,” she cried out and before he could react she had lunged down and was crushing him in a hug. Souji was, obviously, startled awake.

“Is he awake?” Yosuke heard Souji ask, and then Chie pulled away and Yosuke was looking up at Souji’s face. 

Souji looked  _ exhausted _ , but his eyes were damp and he looked so happy, so  _ relieved _ . 

“Yosuke, are you— are…?” Souji asked. Yosuke sighed.

“I’m alive,” he replied. Souji’s expression twisted up in pain, and then he was wrapped up in Souji’s arms, and Souji’s face was buried in one of his shoulders. He was  _ sobbing _ , not audibly, but Yosuke could feel the wetness on his shoulder through the thin, scratchy hospital gown, and could feel the way he was heaving for breath. 

“I’ll go get the others!” Chie exclaimed, and her footsteps clattered on the tile floor as she rushed out of the room. 

“Souji…” Yosuke tried, but Souji shook his head against his shoulder.

“Shut up,” Souji commanded, and he sounded  _ wrecked _ . “I don’t want to hear it. Your Shadow told me everything.”

Oh.

Souji  _ knew _ . About  _ everything _ . And he was still here, arms crushing his ribs and face pressed against his shoulder and  _ crying _ , even after everything. 

“You’re not...mad?” Yosuke asked, and Souji...laughed.

“Of course I’m mad, you dumbass. I’m  _ furious _ . I’m furious that you never talked to me, never tried to let me help, and...and I’m furious at  _ myself _ , for not trying harder to help you…”

He pulled away and Yosuke tried to say something, but found that rather difficult with Souji’s mouth suddenly covering his.

Oh.

When he’d said everything, he’d meant... _ everything _ .

He’d spent more than a lot of time wondering, during some of the bad nights, what Souji would say if he ever told him that he’d been in love with him for years. On some of the  _ really _ bad nights, he’d heard Souji’s voice saying that he was disgusting, a coward, an idiot, a hypocrite…

But, even on the days that hadn’t been quite so bad, when he’d felt like it wasn’t a terrible crime to indulge himself for a bit...even on those days, he hadn’t ever expected it to be like this. Souji’s lips were warm, almost searingly warm, and there was an urgency to the way he was kissing him that was so unlike Souji it was jarring. Souji pulled away, and Yosuke didn’t get the chance to ask him what or why or  _ anything _ , because as soon as he started to open his mouth the door to the room was  _ thrown _ open and Teddie rushed in, followed closely behind by Chie, Yukiko and Kanji. 

Teddie looked just as tired as everyone else did, if not somehow moreso, and that was especially jarring for Yosuke, because he’d never seen him look like that in all of the years he’d known the bear-turned-human. Teddie basically threw himself onto the side of the bed opposite of Souji, burying his face in Yosuke’s other shoulder and wailing, loudly and dramatically. Chie, Yukiko and Kanji stood behind Teddie. Chie looked like she’d just run a marathon (depending on how far away they’d been, she may very well  _ have _ just run a marathon). Yukiko looked relieved, and Kanji...Kanji looked  _ angry _ . 

Just how close to death had Yosuke been?

While Teddie was clinging to him and wailing about how much of a stupid idiot he was, everyone else in the room was dead silent. Yukiko finally took the initiative and broke the silence, clearing her throat.

“Um...I’m glad you’re alright, Yosuke-kun,” she started, falling back into her habit of adding ‘-kun’ to his name, even though they were both well out of high school and well past that. She flushed when she realized her mistake, but didn’t take it back. “I...um...was very worried…”

“Uh, I called your parents and let them know you’re awake,” Chie admitted, after a few seconds of Teddie cursing Yosuke’s name for making him so worried. “They’re on the way right now. Well, your mom is, but you’re dad’s, uh…”

“Tied up at work?” Yosuke asked. She nodded. 

“Yeah...you’ve been out for three days, and everything at the store is pretty crazy without you,” she replied. 

“ _ Apparently _ ,” Kanji cut in, looking livid, “you’ve been doin’ the work of three people over there.  _ And _ you’ve got that other job, too.” Wow, Kanji looked really mad about that. “The fuck’s that all about?! No wonder you ain’t ever over for dinner any more. And here I thought you just didn’t want to see us.”

“Just how much did my Shadow tell you?” Yosuke asked. He tried to have some kind of bite behind it, but he was just too drained. 

“He didn’t tell  _ us _ anything,” Yukiko informed him, and all three of them pointedly looked over at Souji. Yosuke avoided following their gaze. 

“I didn’t need a Shadow to spell things out for me. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you were doin’, Senpai,” Kanji barked. “When literally workin’ yourself to death didn’t work, you got your Shadow to do it for you. Or you  _ tried _ .”

Yosuke pointedly looked at his lap. He would have thought it would be embarrassing, getting scolded like this by Kanji and Chie and Yukiko. But, strangely, all he felt was empty. Maybe the Shadow  _ had _ done something to him after all. 

“Why the heck didn’t you  _ say  _ anything?” Kanji continued, folding his arms and glaring down at Yosuke. “Fuck, man, I thought we were  _ friends _ . I thought we were finally gettin’ past all that bullshit from high school and becoming real friends, y’know? To think you were always hidin’ something like this from me.”

“I didn’t want to be burden,” Yosuke said. Everyone went quiet at that, even Teddie. Yosuke couldn’t look at any of them, least of all Souji and Teddie, so he just looked at the too-clean hospital floor below his bed. 

“I don’t think  _ you _ get to decide whether or not you’re a burden, you dumbass,” Chie said. Her words were harsh, but there was no bite in her tone. He heard her give a long, aggrieved sigh. “Why didn’t you ever say anything to us? We could have helped you, idiot!”

“I didn’t want to be a burden,” Yosuke repeated, a little more firmly, still not meeting their gaze. “You’ve all got your lives together, you’re all so successful and talented and so much  _ better _ than me and I— I just, I was always a fucking loser, and I just got so tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that I’m just...I’m never going to amount to anything—”

“That’s not true!” Teddie protested, but it was drowned out by Kanji, who stomped closer and reached down to grab the front of the hospital gown Yosuke was wearing, hoisting him up and leaning over to glare at him.

“So what?!” Kanji barked, and Yosuke couldn’t help gaping at him like some kind of stupid goldfish, stunned. “You really thought it would be better for us if you  _ died _ ?! You really wanted to take the easy way out instead of actually trying to live a better life?!”

Yosuke felt himself get defensive for a second, felt his eyebrows knit together and felt himself start to say something in response, to argue, to deny. Instead, he just...deflated.

“There’s no hope for me,” he mumbled. “So, yes. I thought it would be better if I died.” He felt Kanji’s grip tighten for a second, but then it loosened, and Kanji let him go. The dark-haired man simply turned on his heel and stomped out of the room, his entire form rigid with barely-contained anger. Yukiko looked from the door to Yosuke and back, obviously concerned about both parties, before she darted out of the room after Kanji. Chie started to go after her, but stopped and took a deep breath, turning back to Yosuke with a pained look on her face.

“There is  _ too _ hope for you, Yosuke, you just need to figure out where to look,” she said. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again.” With that she finally turned and left the room, going after Yukiko and Kanji. 

Yosuke felt a pair of hands close around one of his, and heard Teddie give a hiccup-ey sob. He felt a wave of disgust wash over him like a hot knife into his heart. The others may have respected him, but Teddie always  _ looked up _ to him, and he’d let him down in the biggest possible way.

“Teddie,” he tried, but more words wouldn’t make their way out of his throat. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say, to be honest. Teddie finally threw his arms around him with a wail, and Yosuke just let him cry on his shoulder, at a loss for what to say or to do. He looked around for Souji for help, but discovered that he’d made his way over to the window and was staring out, looking grim. Teddie eventually pulled away, sniffling and wiping his cheeks on his sleeves, and Yosuke pretended not to notice. Even though he’d just woken up only a few minutes ago, he was  _ exhausted _ .

“I didn’t want to die,” he finally said, his voice sounding small even to his own ears. “I just didn’t want to keep existing, that’s all.”

“Yosuke…” Teddie whimpered, and Yosuke had to look away when Teddie started to cry again. 

“Hey, stop that. I’m not worth crying over,” he scolded, but that only made Teddie even more upset. He looked over to find Souji looking at him with an unreadable expression. 

Eventually, Yosuke’s mother stepped into the room. She looked haggard and exhausted, but when she saw Yosuke alive and conscious she rushed over and scooped him up into a hug. He just sat there stiffly and let her, and listened to her scolding him and soothing him and telling him that she was happy he was alive and asking why he’d never told her anything. He just couldn’t say anything, didn’t know  _ what _ to say, so he stayed silent. She eventually caught onto the fact that he wasn’t saying anything and asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” he finally admitted, his voice sounding hollow. “Nothing. I just don’t know what to tell you.” The look of hurt on her face was hard to stomach, but eventually she left with a sad look on her face, taking Teddie along and promising to be back later, when he  _ actually _ wanted to talk. 

Souji was quiet for a long time, staring out at the cloudy sky behind the window, before he turned to Yosuke with that same, unreadable expression on his face.

“I can’t claim to know what the others think,” he started, taking slow, careful steps until he was back at Yosuke’s bedside. “But I was the only one that your Shadow would speak to. I was the only one that your Shadow trusted enough to hand you over to. He told me everything, about how you’ve been feeling this whole time, and… I don’t think the others understand, but I do. You really  _ do _ feel worthless, don’t you?” Yosuke didn’t say anything, looking away with his hands clenched in the scratchy comforter laying across his lap. “It’s not just something you’re saying to make people feel pity for you, it’s your reality. That’s...that’s not something I can claim to have ever had to experience. But it’s got to be hard to stomach.”

“It’s true, I am—” Yosuke started to protest, but Souji shook his head.

“You aren’t. Yosuke, you’re anything but worthless and I...I want you to be able to believe that. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that you can believe that about yourself,” Souji declared. Yosuke shook his head, but he just continued, heedless of Yosuke’s protests. “I quit my job in the city, and I’m moving back to Inaba, so please let me—”

“You what?” Yosuke asked, going pale. He whipped his head up to look at Souji with huge, disbelieving eyes. “But, Souji—”

“I’ve made up my mind, Yosuke. You can’t stop me. And make no mistake, I’m doing this for  _ you _ , and you’re just going to have to accept that,” Souji said. Yosuke recoiled like he’d been slapped.

“You...you don’t...I’m not…”

“I want to help you, Yosuke,” Souji said, and Yosuke shook his head again, putting his head in his hands.

“But...but your career!” he protested. Souji very carefully, very patiently reached over and pried Yosuke’s hands away from his face, and all but forced him to look him in the eyes.

“No career in the  _ world _ is worth it if you aren’t here, Yosuke,” he said, his voice serious. “I was only able to make it through college, and that internship, because you were there with me. I...I always wanted to tell you that, but I didn’t know how you’d react. I didn’t want to push you away...I was a coward. But I’m not going to do that anymore.” He paused and took a deep breath, apparently steeling his nerves. Yosuke was silent, speechless even. “I guess it’s easy for me to say this now that I know how you really feel, thanks to your Shadow, but…Yosuke, I love you. I always have.”

Yosuke just...started to cry. It felt like a dam burst inside him, like all the emotions he’d been so desperately fighting down for weeks, for months, for  _ years _ even, started to spill out, and he couldn’t stop it. Souji folded him into a hug and he threw his arms around him, burying his face into Souji’s shoulder and crying for what felt like hours. He just cried, and he mourned. He mourned the life he could have been living, the time they could have been sharing together, if he hadn’t been so afraid of being a burden. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic doesn't really have an ending, because I don't have any idea where the story could go from there, because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and neither does Yosuke. Sorry to end it in such an abrupt and unsatisfying way. Sometimes life is just like that, I guess. Thank you for reading.


End file.
